Okay you Carlin fans, here is the text of his "Seven words you can never say on 
television"
Actually there were two versions of this, one from "Class Clown" and the other from "Occupation Foole" I actually have edited the two together on tape and listened to them repeatedly so many times in my car, that I can never get them out of my head, even this long after...
so here it is, melted together taking the best from both versions...
I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't saaaay, that you're not supposed to say all the time, because some people are into words. They want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington, knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, "Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead."
Okay... now there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7 of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is-399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outraaaaageous to be separated from a group that large. All of you words over here, ...you seven.... Baaaaaad Words.
That's what they told us they were-remember?
"That's a bad word!"
There are no bad words, just bad thoughts, bad intentions… and words.
So… what are the ones you definitely couldn't say, ever, 'cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool; like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter, Johnny. Right. And, uh, bastard you can say and hell and damn, so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't...ever and it came down to seven, but the list is open to amendment and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, and a lot of people pointed things out to me… and I noticed some myself.
The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker mutherfucker and tits.
Wow!
...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list... It-it's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here, man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list.
Actually none of the words belong on the list, well, maybe fart-maybe, but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not completely insensitive to people's feelings. I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like Cocksucker and Motherfucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling.I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer” It's like an assualt on you.
Now where was I?… oh yeah.
So... to recap... For those of you in the audience waiting to uncover your ears... shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker mutherfucker and tits. those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands... and maybe even bring us, God help us, peace without honor... uhhhhhh what a burden!
And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word mutherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. You want to be a purist-it doesn't really-it can't be on the list of basic words.
Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word 'sucker'-that's merely suggestive and the word cock is a halfway dirty word, 50% dirty- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 8th grade, you used to giggle. Remember the cock crowed three times." "Heyyyyyyy, the cock-three times! Cock is in the Bible! cock is in the Bible!"
Remember the first time you heard about a cockfight?
What? Huh? Naw it's not that ...is it?
...It's chickens, you know?
Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. They don't like that, but they say it, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear her most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, "Oh shit, Oh shit, oh shit ...If she drops something. "Shit! I dropped the broccoli. shhhhhhit!"
So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, "Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. He don't know shit from Shinola. You know that?"
(I always wondered how the Shinola shoe polish people felt about that.)
"Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola!"
"Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya?"
"Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. Guess, I'll shit on my watch". "Oh, the shit is going to hit-the-fan." "Built like a brick shithouse." "Oh, he's up shit's creek. He's had it." Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit. shit-eating grin. Uhhhhkkk, whoever thought of that was ill. "He had a shit-eating grin!" "He had a what?" shit on a stick. shit in a handbag-I always liked that one. "He ain't worth shit in a handbag."
....."Shitty. He acted real shitty. You know what I mean? I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude." "Hey, he had a shitfit!" Wow! shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there.
All the animals-Bullshit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart-A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw, batshit! Vera reminded me of that last night. Snake shit, slicker'n owl shit. Get your shit together. shit or get off the pot.
I got a shitload full of them! I got a shit-pot full... shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, shit-face, heyyyyyyyy. I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit you know. "Hey, I'm shit-faaaaaace! shitface, today!"
Then there's "I don't give a shit." Like it's worth something, you know? "I don't give a shit." "Hey, well, I don't take no shit, you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? 'Cause I don't give a shit. If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit."
"You wouldn't shit me, would you?" That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. "You wouldn't shit me, would you?" It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.
Anyway, enough of that shit
The big one, the word fuck; that's the one that hangs them up the most. 'Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. fuuuuuck. Boom. Starts with a nice soft sound fffffffuh". Ends with a kuh. Right? A little something for everyone. Fuck. Good word.
Kind of a proud word, too.
"Who are you?"
"I am FUCK! ...FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN!"
Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN!
It's an interesting word too, 'cause it's got a double kind of a life- personality- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time-fuck! What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck yeh. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love ...and life
...and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's the one that you save toward the end of the argument. Right? You finally can't... "Aw, fuck you, man! I said, fuck you! Stupid fuck-fuck you and everybody that looks like you!"
It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. "Mad fucker still on the loose!" "Stop me before I fuck again." "Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump." "Easy on the clutch, Bill, you'll fuck that engine again."
Uhhhh, the additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat. those three.
Fart-we talked about, it's harmless. It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. turd, you can say but who wants to, you know? The subject never comes up on the panel, so I'm not worried about that one.
Now the word twat is an interesting word. TWAT "Heyyyy, right in the twat! Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, "We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane!" and everybody loves it. But the twat stands alone, man, as it should.
And then there’s the two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day; You can't say, "Up your asssssss!" You can say stuff it. There are certain things you can say; its weird, but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you for the grammy!
Rest in Peace George... we'll miss you
television"Actually there were two versions of this, one from "Class Clown" and the other from "Occupation Foole" I actually have edited the two together on tape and listened to them repeatedly so many times in my car, that I can never get them out of my head, even this long after...
so here it is, melted together taking the best from both versions...
I was thinking about the curse words and the swear words, the cuss words and the words that you can't saaaay, that you're not supposed to say all the time, because some people are into words. They want to hear your words. Some guys like to record your words and sell them back to you if they can listen in on the telephone, write down what words you say. A guy who used to be in Washington, knew that his phone was tapped, used to answer, "Fuck Hoover, yes, go ahead."
Okay... now there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are 7 of them you can't say on television. What a ratio that is-399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outraaaaageous to be separated from a group that large. All of you words over here, ...you seven.... Baaaaaad Words.
That's what they told us they were-remember?
"That's a bad word!"
There are no bad words, just bad thoughts, bad intentions… and words.
So… what are the ones you definitely couldn't say, ever, 'cause I heard a lady say bitch one night on television, and it was cool; like she was talking about, you know, ah, well, the bitch is the first one to notice that in the litter, Johnny. Right. And, uh, bastard you can say and hell and damn, so I have to figure out which ones you couldn't...ever and it came down to seven, but the list is open to amendment and in fact, has been changed, uh, by now, and a lot of people pointed things out to me… and I noticed some myself.
The original seven words were, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker mutherfucker and tits.
Wow!
...and Tits doesn't even belong on the list... It-it's such a friendly sounding word. It sounds like a nickname, right? "Hey, Tits, come here, man. Hey Tits, meet Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots." It sounds like a snack, doesn't it? Yes, I know, it is a snack. I don't mean your sexist snack. I mean New Nabisco Tits!, and new Cheese Tits, Corn Tits,Pizza Tits, Sesame Tits, Onion Tits, Tater Tits. "Betcha Can't Eat Just One." That's true. I usually switch off. But I mean, that word does not belong on the list.
Actually none of the words belong on the list, well, maybe fart-maybe, but you can understand why some of them are there. I'm not completely insensitive to people's feelings. I can understand why some of those words got on the list, like Cocksucker and Motherfucker. Those are heavyweight words. There is a lot going on there. Besides the literal translation and the emotional feeling.I mean, they're just busy words. There's a lot of syllables to contend with. And those Ks, those are agressive sounds. They just jump out at you like "coCKsuCKer, motherfuCKer” It's like an assualt on you.
Now where was I?… oh yeah.
So... to recap... For those of you in the audience waiting to uncover your ears... shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker mutherfucker and tits. those are the ones that will curve your spine, grow hair on your hands... and maybe even bring us, God help us, peace without honor... uhhhhhh what a burden!
And now the first thing that we noticed was that word fuck was really repeated in there because the word mutherfucker is a compound word and it's another form of the word fuck. You want to be a purist-it doesn't really-it can't be on the list of basic words.
Also, cocksucker is a compound word and neither half of that is really dirty. The word 'sucker'-that's merely suggestive and the word cock is a halfway dirty word, 50% dirty- dirty half the time, depending on what you mean by it. Uh, remember when you first heard it, like in 8th grade, you used to giggle. Remember the cock crowed three times." "Heyyyyyyy, the cock-three times! Cock is in the Bible! cock is in the Bible!"
Remember the first time you heard about a cockfight?
What? Huh? Naw it's not that ...is it?
...It's chickens, you know?
Then you have the four letter words from the old Anglo-Saxon fame. Uh, shit and fuck. The word shit uh, is an interesting kind of word in that the middle class has never really accepted it and approved it. They use it like crazy but it's not really okay. It's still a rude, dirty, old kind of gushy word. They don't like that, but they say it, a lady now in a middle-class home, you'll hear her most of the time she says it as an expletive, you know, it's out of her mouth before she knows. She says, "Oh shit, Oh shit, oh shit ...If she drops something. "Shit! I dropped the broccoli. shhhhhhit!"
So! Now the word shit is okay for the man. At work you can say it like crazy. Mostly figuratively, "Get that shit out of here, will ya? I don't want to see that shit anymore. I can't cut that shit buddy. I've had that shit up to here. I think you're full of shit myself. He don't know shit from Shinola. You know that?"
(I always wondered how the Shinola shoe polish people felt about that.)
"Hi, I'm the new man from Shinola!"
"Hi, how are ya? Nice to see ya?"
"Boy, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch. Guess, I'll shit on my watch". "Oh, the shit is going to hit-the-fan." "Built like a brick shithouse." "Oh, he's up shit's creek. He's had it." Hot shit, holy shit, tough shit, eat shit. shit-eating grin. Uhhhhkkk, whoever thought of that was ill. "He had a shit-eating grin!" "He had a what?" shit on a stick. shit in a handbag-I always liked that one. "He ain't worth shit in a handbag."
....."Shitty. He acted real shitty. You know what I mean? I got the money back, but a real shitty attitude." "Hey, he had a shitfit!" Wow! shit-fit. Whew! Glad I wasn't there.
All the animals-Bullshit, horse shit, cow shit, rat shit, bat shit. First time I heard bat shit, I really came apart-A guy in Oklahoma, Boggs, said it, man. Aw, batshit! Vera reminded me of that last night. Snake shit, slicker'n owl shit. Get your shit together. shit or get off the pot.
I got a shitload full of them! I got a shit-pot full... shit-head, shit-heel, shit in your heart, shit for brains, shit-face, heyyyyyyyy. I always try to think how that could have originated; the first guy that said that. Somebody got drunk and fell in some shit you know. "Hey, I'm shit-faaaaaace! shitface, today!"
Then there's "I don't give a shit." Like it's worth something, you know? "I don't give a shit." "Hey, well, I don't take no shit, you know what I mean? You know why I don't take no shit? 'Cause I don't give a shit. If I give a shit, I would have to pack shit. But I don't pack no shit cause I don't give a shit."
"You wouldn't shit me, would you?" That's a joke when you're a kid with a worm looking out the bird's ass. "You wouldn't shit me, would you?" It's an eight-year-old joke but a good one.
Anyway, enough of that shit
The big one, the word fuck; that's the one that hangs them up the most. 'Cause in a lot of cases that's the very act that hangs them up the most. So, it's natural that the word would, uh, have the same effect. It's a great word, fuck, nice word, easy word, cute word, kind of. Easy word to say. One syllable, short u. fuuuuuck. Boom. Starts with a nice soft sound fffffffuh". Ends with a kuh. Right? A little something for everyone. Fuck. Good word.
Kind of a proud word, too.
"Who are you?"
"I am FUCK! ...FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN!"
Tune in again next week to FUCK OF THE MOUNTAIN!
It's an interesting word too, 'cause it's got a double kind of a life- personality- dual, you know, whatever the right phrase is. It leads a double life, the word fuck. First of all, it means, sometimes, most of the time-fuck! What does it mean? It means to make love. Right? We're going to make love, yeh, we're going to fuck, yeh, we're going to fuck yeh. Right? And it also means the beginning of life, it's the act that begins life, so there's the word hanging around with words like love ...and life
...and yet on the other hand, it's also a word that we really use to hurt each other with, man. It's a heavy. It's the one that you save toward the end of the argument. Right? You finally can't... "Aw, fuck you, man! I said, fuck you! Stupid fuck-fuck you and everybody that looks like you!"
It would be nice to change the movies that we already have and substitute the word fuck for the word kill, wherever we could, and some of those movie cliches would change a little bit. "Mad fucker still on the loose!" "Stop me before I fuck again." "Fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump, fuck the ump." "Easy on the clutch, Bill, you'll fuck that engine again."
Uhhhh, the additions to the list. I found three more words that had to be put on the list of words you could never say on television, and they were fart, turd and twat. those three.
Fart-we talked about, it's harmless. It's like tits, it's a cutie word, no problem. turd, you can say but who wants to, you know? The subject never comes up on the panel, so I'm not worried about that one.
Now the word twat is an interesting word. TWAT "Heyyyy, right in the twat! Twat is an interesting word because it's the only one I know of, the only slang word applying to the, a part of the sexual anatomy that doesn't have another meaning to it. Like, ah, snatch, box and pussy all have other meanings, man. Even in a Walt Disney movie, you can say, "We're going to snatch that pussy and put him in a box and bring him on the airplane!" and everybody loves it. But the twat stands alone, man, as it should.
And then there’s the two-way words. Ah, ass is okay providing you're riding into town on a religious feast day; You can't say, "Up your asssssss!" You can say stuff it. There are certain things you can say; its weird, but you can just come so close. Before I cut, I, uh, want to, ah, thank you for listening to my words, man, fellow, uh space travelers. Thank you man for tonight and thank you for the grammy!
Rest in Peace George... we'll miss you
© 2008 by Jet in Columbus
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